Johnny Thunders at Max’s Kansas City, 1970s.
Rock and Roll
(Source: dietcokeandsympathy.blogspot.com.au)
Because of SEO purposes my Art of Charm articles will now only be linked here. So go there to read it!
http://theartofcharm.com/confidence/where-is-your-swagger/
The last article I wrote was about the strength and power vulnerability has. Today I want to talk to you about a few tactics to help you achieve a deeper vulnerability.
First, let’s try to erase the first thoughts that come to mind when I mention the word vulnerability. Let’s face it, look up the word vulnerable in any source and you will see defenseless, helpless, exposed and other scary words that don’t evoke a lot of confidence in this process. Be strong and understand that the more you’re open, the more people can see you and connect with you.
Start an anonymous twitter account to post random thoughts about your day. This will allow you to break from the chains of having to be identified and connected t0 any of your ramblings.
Start a blog and make it anonymous. Jot down all of your thoughts and feeling from your nights out and other adventures. Allow yourself to post anything from the quaking in your shoes to the knot in your stomach.Try writing poetry, songs and stories. Find the right medium for you.
Start expressing yourself without fear. Remember, your thoughts and opinions are yours and you are entitled to express them just like everyone else is. Remember, religion and politics are trouble grounds so be extra careful when venturing into those areas. Until you’re ready, try to avoid those topics all together.
Learn to poke fun at yourself without being self-deprecating. Embarrassing and lighthearted stories about youth, family, work, school and life are great ways to laugh at yourself. Make sure the stories come from a fun place when you tell them. That will help the context come across and give yourself a chuckle when you’re through. This allows others to feel good about opening up and sharing as well. The more this happens the more comfortable people will feel around you.
Check out improv. Not only is it a great tool to help with banter but it stops you from over thinking. Part of vulnerability comes from putting yourself out there with no idea what’s going to happen. That is where the power of vulnerability happens.
Use Toast Masters as a tool to sharpen your public speaking skills. Use it as a way to practice delivering a message and taking focus away from your anxieties. Toastmaster has a team of professional speakers ready to help you. Improv and Toast Masters are relatively cheap and can be found almost anywhere.
The less time you are spending trying to cover up what it is you are afraid of people seeing, the more time you can spend connecting and bringing awesome people into your life.
For other help in connecting better with others check out The Art of Charm Academy
The Runaways
(via natashapsychedelia)
I got an email asking why I write a lot of personal stories on this blog. There are a multitude of answers for that and I will answer that question in the hopes that you use the same information to better your own connections and relationships.
The more I can point out my own flaws and wear them as badges of courage, the more real I become to my audience. I write to reach you guys and if It appears like I am a mythical unicorn then there is no hope in me connecting with you. The more embarrassing stories I tell, the more I write about the nerdy things I care about, the more real I become. It also is really rad to write about my first job or a lesson I learned in heartbreak and have you guys comment on it.
It’s a hard thing to write candidly because putting it out there leaves room for others to scrutinize and critique. These are actual thoughts and feelings as well as opinions and beliefs. To run them up a flagpole for everyone to see is nerve wracking. I have no control over what happens after I post an article. I can be applauded, flamed or even ridiculed on my writing skills or lack there of. I have plenty of material I never posted just because I got a little queasy at the idea of someone reading something sensitive to me. But you know what? In the end, the most personal stuff I’ve written seems to get the most comments. The more people can chime in and relate an experience that they have, had the more they can connect.
It’s been hard to throw caution to the wind and say, “fuck it” but without it, connecting becomes difficult. People like people who are like themselves. Just look at the friends you have. Whether they are from school or work or they just have the same interests as you, you feel comfortable opening up to them because you feel they get you. There is an unspoken recognition with each other.
We like to be in control and have a handle on every situation. Unfortunately, connection doesn’t have control. You are disclosing information about yourself without knowing how others will react to it. The sooner you realize it the more comfortable you will be with that idea. We all have a social mask that we use to protect us from the criticism and ridicule. We do it by either being aggressive, by making excuses or by not doing anything at all. Being aggressive and making excuses take energy and is tiring. Doing nothing at all leaves us empty and depressed.
It’s not coincidence that the men that come through The Art of Charm who are ready to drop their persona and are ready to be who they have always have been, leave having the most success and live fulfilled lives.
Be real and be awesome!
Here are a few noted quotes about vulnerability that I like:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brene Brown, Vulnerability researcher
“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.”
We all know we shouldn’t do it, but what we should do and will do are two very different things. A few weeks ago posted an article on why dating and romancing in the office is such a bad idea, so there is no need to rehash it. However, since we all know that some of you will go ahead and ruin your lives anyway, let’s put together a few rules to help us keep the damage to as little as possible.
So go on and do what I told you not to do and hope for the best. At least follow our few simple rules.
I was a bit of a late bloomer and was very involved with music and skateboarding. Women as much as I was attracted to them, were a side thought and a distraction from my other two priorities. Though I had a few earlier chances, I was a very nervous about it and would rather just avoid the whole awkwardness of dealing with the situation.
I was 18, and in my circle of friends it was kind of well known that I was still a virgin. I did have some experience with girls, but decided to keep it to everything but the deed. My father had me scared shitless that my life would be over if I had gotten a girl pregnant so I never let things get to far.
With the girls in our circle it seemed like there was a bounty on my virginity. I escaped several attempts successfully.
It was my senior year of high school. On the weekends we would go skateboarding until about midnight, then go to Denny’s to get ice teas afterwards and hang out all night until one of us would get thrown out for being delinquent teenagers. The girls in our crew knew our routine and would go to Denny’s to hang out with us and cause their own brand of teenage riot girl mayhem.
On one particular Friday night, we were hanging out at Denny’s when one of the girls had asked me to come outside to check out her new car stereo. I was annoyed and was asking why, and trying to play it cool for my friends. I was a real insecure fool back then. Reluctantly, I went with her to see her new stereo. As she got into the driver’s side, I got into the passenger’s side while another of her friends got in next to me placing me in the middle, blocking my exit as she closed the passenger door. The girl in the driver’s side started up the car and started to head out of the Denny’s parking lot. At this point I was very confused “Hey where are we going?” I asked. “Stacey’s” they replied. “What for?” I asked, “Someone there wants to see you.” At this point I’m highly annoyed. My friends were at Denny’s and they are going to wonder where I am. I started complaining, hoping they would return me.
What I didn’t know was that Stacy had a friend who had a crush on me and decided she was going to take my V card. They worked up this kidnapping plan to get me over to her. They told me Michelle was there and that I had to hang out with her for a bit. Then they would take me back to my friends. I still didn’t put together what was up.
As we pulled into Stacy’s, the girls in the car were laughing uncontrollably and I could not figure out why. As we walked into Stacy’s, Michelle was smiling ear to ear and lead me to the bedroom that had been laid out with incense and candles. “Ohhh noooo!” I had figured it out and it was too late. At this moment, seeing the effort that was put into this caper and knowing my innocence had to go sooner or later, I decided to just go with it.
There wasn’t much anxiety about the deed; I knew it needed to be over with and I stumbled through it hoping to do my best with the little knowledge I had. It was a wonderful teenage experience and besides, the whole kidnapping idea made for a fantastic coming of age story. My only real regret over the whole experience was that if I could go back I would change the music. Losing my virginity to the Grateful Dead still irks me to this day.
It’s never the way you plan it or think it might happen.
We have all heard horror stories about pursuing the opposite sex at work, yet for some reason people still do it and I get plenty of letters asking how to do it. Let’s just for old time sake have a refresher about why you should not shit where you eat.
1. A productive work environment is a friendly work environment – If you haven’t had much luck in your traditional hunting grounds, you could easily misread signals of the opposite sex at work. If you are frustrated in the least bit, the smallest of gestures could come off as advances and before you know it, you can quickly get find yourself in a few compromising situations.
2. Sexual Harassment – Well we might as well throw in the obvious here. Bantering can take on many forms and without proper tonality, it can be taken the wrong way. To a power hungry woman or a mousey insecure girl, this type of behavior can be a killer for your career. Someone looking for a quick way to bypass some rungs on a ladder might see this as an easy ticket and have you washing dishes in no time.
3. Dealing with the inevitable break-ups – I know what a mess my regular breaks ups are. Why anyone would want to deal with that at work is insane. Watching over my back for thrown staplers and putting out rumor fires is not my idea of a hard day at the office. The workplace can be competitive enough in today’s minimal job market without the office dividing and taking sides. You need people to watch your back not stick a blade into it.
4. Fodder for water cooler gossip – Becoming the topic of conversation around the office can quickly help build a reputation for you. If it’s more office trim you are looking for this will give you plenty clout. If it’s that promotion you been waiting for, this can blow up in your face.
5. Impossible to get work done – If you have warmed up to the idea of pursuing women at work, now your work environment has become your hunting ground and with that your mentality at work will change. Your mind will be conflicted on what to pursue. Flirt or work, flirt or work. If you are in a flirting and attracting mindset it will be hard to concentrate on problem solving. Your brain is not designed to multitask that way. You will spread yourself thin and something will be done half assed.
Even though I have laid out 5 reasons why engaging with the opposite sex at work is a bad idea, many of you will still do it anyway and without proper guidance you will find yourself in a awful situation. So in the next article, let’s put together a few rules to do it without causing too much damage.
It’s easy for a guy to rationalize a woman’s bad behavior because of a pretty face or perfect breasts, but let’s face it guys. Being good looking alone does not make her worthy of being in your lives. Here are 5 reasons she may not be good enough for you:
1. She is a taker not a giver. Special people add to your life, not take away from it. What should she be adding you ask? She should be adding appreciation, energy, emotional strength and intimacy. You should not have to work your ass off to draw these wonderful things from her. They should be handed over pleasantly. You will find that most people in the world are takers and if they are handing you these things it’s usually in exchange for the same. The issue here is that they should not be handed over with the expectations of any return. The old saying, “Beside every good man is a good woman” is true. The support and power you can receive from a good woman in immeasurable. A flourishing relationship is one that has both parties building each other up not tearing each other down.
2. She looks for self-esteem from other people. She is always looking for validation. Always looking to feel better about herself through others’ approval. Selfish people will always put themselves first. Being given self-validation through other people is a drop of water in a bucket; it’s never good enough. Real validation comes from within ourselves and is very powerful. You will always play second to someone who is addicted to seeking validation.
3. She is always talking down about others. Being a hater takes energy and shows your own insecurities. It’s overt jealousy. She should be focused on her life and how to improve it. Hating someone else for improving their life only shows what you truly want for yourself.
4. She has too many pictures on her social media profiles. Duck face pictures and abundant pictures of her partying. These pictures are there to impress and gain acceptance. They are signs of needing to be validated. Good profile pictures show people doing the things that they love whether it be their passions or the things they care about.
5. She is always with an ailment. Her social media profiles are always clamoring about the newest ailment. Ailments are ways to get attention through others’ sympathy. It’s manipulation at it’s best. Getting people to feel sorry for you is just another attempt to get attention; attention has always been a reward for people. Whether or not the attention is negative or positive does not matter as the attention in itself allows people to feel good.
Having a good woman who is adding to your own personal experience is like having your own personal cheerleader, consultant or advisor with whom can give the much-needed outside perspective we need for feedback. Great relationships are built on teamwork. When you move from a figurative “Me” to “We” it becomes a team. Choose your teammate wisely.
Pure rock and roll!
(Source: thechrisfarmer, via bucket-o-trouble)