Living And Learning The Hard way

Learning lessons the hard way.

During the end of my senior year of high school, my father had a new baby with his new wife. My stepmother was, to say the least, kind of a bitch. I knew my days were numbered living at home. Hell, I would’ve wanted me out of the house too. After all, my dad had a new family to raise and I didn’t fit. I was part of the “other family”. I didn’t have a decent relationship with my stepmother and I certainly was not going to start fixing that relationship at eighteen. I got along well with my father and I understood that he wanted another go at it, and that I would make things difficult.

The first thing on my move out list was deciding who I was going to live with. I needed roommates. I couldn’t afford a place all on my own. So naturally, I asked my closest friends. I didn’t think about things like who would make a great roommate or which of my friends were responsible. I didn’t care. A few of my friends were interested so we went looking for an apartment.

At the time, I was working two jobs. I was making pizzas at a shop by day and was working night shifts at a convenience store. I ended up working so much because I hated my step mom and the more time I could be out of the house the better. I was practically living out of my car anyway. This allowed me to save some money.

We managed to get an apartment in the downtown area that was recently redone with some hideous green carpet. I remember that the man who rented it out to us didn’t want to be involved with us, but reluctantly did so anyway because he needed the money.  I know I wouldn’t want to rent a building out to four eighteen-year-old kids.

Looking back, it was evident that none of us were ready live on our own. Within six months, we all lost our jobs due to our irresponsible lives. I was working the most when we first got the place and as I watched my roommates party it up, I felt like I was missing the good times. I became jealous and started slacking off with them.

I’m not one to pass blame. We all could have used some growing up, but I will say it was hard for me to concentrate with everything that was going on. I was weak at the time and I wanted everyone to like me. There was always people coming in and out of the place at all hours and since we were the first group of our friends to get their own place it seemed like every unsavory character was hanging out there. My roommates also found it hard to say no to anyone, so people would be crashing at our place all the time. Since they weren’t paying any of the bills, there was no need to be responsible for anything.

The other guys had homes they could go back to. I didn’t, which made me the uptight guy in the house. I was looked at as the warden at times. I was not innocent. I didn’t like losing my friends and wanted to keep everybody happy. However, playing both sides of the coin led me into a bad spot.

I struggled to keep myself together as well as trying to keep 3 other teenagers together. In the end they had won. I had lost and I was getting evicted.

Within ten months the apartment was trashed. The carpeting was destroyed, the walls had graffiti all over them and the hallway was covered from top to bottom in glow in the dark stickers. The place looked like it belonged to four teenagers. I was happy it was over. I couldn’t keep the nightmare going any longer.

If I had a chance to do that one over again I would have picked my roommates better. I would have looked at their abilities to be responsible rather than their abilities to be fun. These are the life lessons we learn and the best way to learn them is to live through it. We all make mistakes. No one can go through life mistake free. When I look back at it, although it was a silly time and we were young and careless, I don’t regret it. It was a valuable life lesson.

Go Legndary

Ladies and gentlemen The Art of Charm’s new show on Kevin Smith’s Smodcast is called “Go Legendary” and will begin airing in early November!!!

We are extremely excited!

Is Being Bold Different Than Being Confident?

The other day I watched a video of a young man trying to get better with his approaches. He hooked himself up with a hidden camera and walked up to random people, introducing himself and attempted to amuse them. The problem that I had with this video is that after about 30 some failed attempts, he didn’t change anything about his approach. So what was the point?

By reading the comments and putting these approaches online for others to see, I am guessing the motive of the videographer was different from what I thought it would be.

It seems that the point of the videos was not to show confidence at all, but rather to show boldness. He wanted to show that he can be immune to rejection and not care about what others had to say. At one point it just gets down right embarrassing for everyone involved.

In his approaches, he threw around racial remarks and was generally rude to everyone. So while everyone was telling him to leave them alone, he was gloating to them about how much he didn’t care about it and that he would stay talking to them until he felt like leaving. Don’t get me wrong. It takes some balls to do it, but he’s not achieving anything by doing this.

Being an ass has nothing to do with being confident. It has to do with insecurities and what you do to mask it. It’s a defense that someone will use to shed the hurt of rejection. The worst part of these videos was seeing the few times where the woman was actually interested in the first few seconds of the interaction, only watch her demeanor change as she realizes that the guy is just being insulting and celebrating his so called victory.

I understand that in the beginning stages of getting your social life together, a defense might be necessary to do what you need to do to. Approaching to get a little feedback is great, but 30 some times of being a dick is not going to get you anywhere. If being a dick gets you props from your friends, you might be into this for the wrong reasons.

You want to be tough? You want to be bulletproof? Getting into someone’s personal space and berating them with lame questions to the point of being intrusive and rude is nauseating. Do you know anybody with Aspergers? Ask them how it feels not being able to read emotions and if it has helped them in reaching life goals. Trust me, it doesn’t help them.

Active listening with your eyes and ears shows what a good communicator you are by showing genuine interest in other people. It’s and art and a skill.

It’s a skill that can be applied anywhere and everywhere. Practice at restaurants, shops and cafés in your town. Try putting yourself in their situation. Allow people to feel comfortable opening up rather than showing them you can talk over their discomfort or your annoyance. See how much you can get them to invest in you.

These are the traits that will allow you to succeed. These are the things that allow you to be attractive.